Who Moved My Cheese Metal?

How about an MTV trivia question?

What was the first video aired on MTV? 

Why is this important? Well, quite honestly it’s not to most of the known universe. To me, yes it is important but not because I love the song or anything. It’s kind of fun in a very silly, superficial way. The video is pretty bad but at least it gets it’s message across and it was an accurate prediction of the music industry throughout the eighties and beyond. So, why do I care?

The goofy looking lead singer with the goofier glasses is none other than Trevor Horn. (I can hear the collective yawn…) Well, not so fast there.

Horn and the uncomfortable looking blond keyboard player, Geoff Downes shortly went on to join Yes. Yes, that Yes. They only recorded one album together as fans didn’t really settle into Horn’s vocals as the replacement for Jon Anderson, it did however have one very long term success story as a result.

Trevor Horn became a producer. One of his first acts was ABC and their the Lexicon Of Love album from 1982.

Horn would also produce Yes’ smash hit comeback album, 90125.

Horn would go on to produce Seal’s first three albums and Geoff Downes would join with Steve Howe from Yes to form the super group Asia for a multi-album run.

Not a bad result from a new wave one hit wonder video.

In this entry in the ongoing occasional series on stalker pop, we move into the ’80s, or the Decade of the Stalker, pop-music-wise. So, just to get it out of the way, we kick off with perhaps the biggest stalker hit ever:

(No really good version of the video seems to be out there.) Ever since this came out, in 1984, there have been stories claiming people thought this was a love song and played it at proms and at weddings. I believe Sting even said he’d had fans tell him how romantic they thought it was.

But I dunno, that’s a little tough to buy. At best, this is a breakup song. And you know, the Police were not all sunshine-’n'-roses at the best of times, the creepy video doesn’t suggest that anybody’s having a good time, the tick-tock tune is not exactly cheery, and — most to the point — there is nothing ambiguous about the words:

“Every move you make/And every vow you break/Every smile you fake/Every claim you stake/I’ll be watching you.”

This is classic stalker stuff, creepy and accusing. And all the while he’s whining, “Oh, can’t you see/You belong to me” and complaining that “Since you’re gone, I’ve been lost without a trace.” Because, of course, it’s really all about his feelings….

And on a similar, earlier (1981) note, we have this, one of many inexplicable hits from the generally inexplicable and frequently misogynistic Hall & Oates:

This dude is following a woman around, apparently for the purpose of providing a running critique on her behavior: “I see you/You see me/Watch you blowin’ the lines/When you’re making a scene.” (I actually have no idea what that means.)

These magical “private eyes” apparently allow our singer to keep permanent tabs on this chick: “You can play with words/You play with love/You can twist it around.” And after this barrage of accusations, he requests: “Don’t lie when you’re hurting inside.” How very sensitive of him. But would you tell this dude your innermost feelings?

More, much more, to come.

Earlier stalker entries:

Part one
Part two
Part three
Part four

It’s only Tuesday, and it’s already been a long week. But here’s a look at the Who’s rockin’ first single, from 1965:

Keith Moon would be about 18 here, and the others just a couple of years older.

Pete Townshend described “I Can’t Explain” as “straightforward Kinks-copying,” and that pretty much covers it, though Ray and the boys would’ve done a song like this both faster and louder in those days. The Who were not an especially attractive group of young men, but, as you can see in the video, they look just like the boys in the crowd (and are there any girls in the crowd)?

Dressing the mod part, both clothes and haircuts, was very much part of the marketing for the Who in the early days, and that working-class flash was part of the reason their reputation in the ’60s was a lot tougher than their music ever was. “My Generation” aside, the Who spent their first several years essentially doing novelty songs and sort of proto-prog things like  “Armenia, City in the Sky” and the “Rael” songs. Some of it’s interesting, and some of it’s great — but the Who’s real prime, both artistically and as a touring band, was in the ’70s.

Just for fun, a few bar and garage band faves for the weekend:

How can you not love this? That opening guitar moan is practically heavy metal, it sounds outrageous but the words don’t say much at all, and it is, shall we say, extremely forgiving to both singers and players.  Just get up there and emote!

The definition of frat rock. This video has the words the way the Kingsmen did it, but if you do it right, you can  pretty much just sing “Louie-LouAYE” and “yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah” with any other words you want — or no intelligible words at all, as the famous court case concluded.

A lot harder to play than the first two — and you have to do it in Spanish — but what’s more fun than this if you can get around it?

If Joan can sing it, so can you!

Pete, you’ve done the bar band thing from time to time — what rocks the room?

Being a music nut, I have a nearly unlimited capacity to remember songs that strike me one way or another. That can be a good or bad thing. There is a song I heard a few times on the radio back in the early ’90s that I am still looking for. It sounded quite a bit like The Kinks, but I know it wasn’t them. I remember a few lines and have gone through the Internet wilderness, searching and searching to no avail.

It’s almost like a “love at first listen” obsession. Someday I’ll find it and my world will be complete. Or not.

Over the years this has happened to me lots of times, and so far only a few have eluded me. Once the chase is over, it’s usually satisfying to reconnect with an old friend. But other times it’s like those “What was I thinking?” moments you get when you watch an old episode of Emergency with Randy Mantooth.

This was too good not to put up here. I mean Clay Aiken and Emergency, together at last!

It’s disturbing how well Aiken fits with this classic ’70s TV cheese.

When DVDs came out, one of the first ones I bought was the movie version of Hair. I popped it right in, got about half an hour into it, and turned it off. It’s still taking up space on my shelf, I’m sure feeling a bit lonely after not having moved for about 15 years. Some things that are really cool and fun when you’re a teenager just aren’t when you’re a bit older. OK, much older.

When they hold up, it’s a delight.

After searching for years, this song finally made its way to the legitimate music services and YouTube a few months ago. It was worth the time and energy I spent looking for it.

In 1983 one of the worst videos ever made worked its way, briefly, into the MTV playlist. Even for its time, the video is truly awful. The song, however, is a bit of post punk/new wave/retro gold.

I always thought that these guys were a Brit band from the sound of the song.

They’re from San Francisco. Go figure.

And they are still around. Translator

Keeping the arrangement simple and stripped-down allows the lead vocal and harmonies to really stand out. The worry, fear, and eventual anger in the vocal keeps getting more and more intense until he’s pretty much screaming by the end.

Love it! And it was worth the wait. A great song!

It’s not a real cheese commercial, but I kind of wish it were. I’d buy some cheddar — if only for this tweak of one of the most sophomorically self-important tunes of the ’60s. Hilarious!

Re: the parade of groupie tunes, it seems the most telling line in “What’s Your Name?” — which has got to be about the biggest groupie-themed hit ever — is the last line: “What was your name?”

Yeah, he’s gonna “treat her right,” but he’s not gonna remember who she is for more than two minutes or so. Kind of sums up the whole venture, doesn’t it?

When choosing your groupie songs, Southern-fried rock is a good place to start. How about some Lynyrd Skynyrd?

“What’s Your Name”

This sums it up pretty well. “I’ll find a little queen and I know I can treat her right.” I can only presume this means he plans on at least being a gentleman about it. But isn’t that a bit contradictory to the whole idea? At least it does have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

How about some good old Grand Funk?

We’re an American Band!

“Now these fine ladies, they had a plan. They was out to meet the boys in the band.
They said, ‘Come on dudes, let’s get it on!’ And we proceeded to tear that hotel down!”

Ah, life on the road. I always love this powerhouse of a song. Great drums, killer bass and guitar wrapped up in a cowbell-infected package of straight up rock n’ roll! A true story? More likely a combination of many true stories condensed for brevity’s sake. (It can’t be for modesty’s sake, now could it?)

How about some British groupie songs?

Rod Stewart and the Faces, “Stay With Me.”

Rod is rather direct, isn’t he? “In the morning Don’t say you love me, Cause I’ll only kick you out of the door.” At least she knows where she stands… or doesn’t…

Rod and the guys enjoying the lifestyle. All in all pretty much in good fun, and he’s honest.

Sometimes honesty can be a bit much, as in the biggest, baddest and flat-out crudest groupie song I think anyone has ever done. The Rolling Stones “Star, Star, (Star******)” I can’t put the video directly on the page, so here’s the link. It will be obvious why when you see the subtitle.

Oh my… NSFW!!!

The Rolling Stones “Star Star”

Well. Even the subtitle goes to the heart of the matter. I don’t think I will put the lyrics up here, but I do have a link.

If this doesn’t define the genre, I don’t quite know what would.

A Sunday afternoon Earworm!

If you were born later than 1984 you more than likely never heard of these guys. That’s a shame as for many years they were outselling little known people like David Bowie in their native England.

In the early days of MTV you would hear this really upbeat and catchy song called “Run Run Away” by Slade.

From their 1983 album, The Amazing Kamikaze Syndrome, this is just some good dumb fun. I always get a kick out of this song with its guitar/bagpipe sound, the silly outfits and the overall enthusiasm of singing about nothing really. “All things to everyone” Sounds good to me.

Rock n’ roll being what it is, what it wants to be or sometimes quite clearly what it not always seems to revolves around love. It can be a great love like Ben E. King’s “Stand By Me” or The Beach Boys “God Only Knows.” It can also be twisted and disturbing as Bridy is relating in the Stalker Pop series. 

Since the beginning of the modern music industry and no doubt before that there have been women who “stalk” musicians and singers. It’s not quite the same thing as stalking in that the guys, (usually anyway,) enjoy and want the attention. Now what could be more rock n’ roll then that, guys who want to be stalked by beautiful women?

I’m talking about groupies of course.

In the seventies and eighties it was a true subculture of popular music even inspiring a few movies here and there. (The most notable being the wonderful “Almost Famous.” )

So, what about groupie songs? It’s a surprisingly large genre when you start digging around. I’ll start with what I think is the most powerful one, it’s a bit unusual in that it is from the groupie’s point of view.

The Carpenters “Superstar”

When The Carpenters recorded this song it was at least slightly shocking even though the lyrics were changed from “wait to sleep with you again” to “wait to be with you again.” Written by Bonnie Bramlett and Leon Russell, it gets right to the disposable nature of being a groupie and how this young lady doesn’t seem to understand the “relationship.”

The soulful vocal by Karen Carpenter can’t get more emotional or powerful, she was a wonderful pop singer with such a big and warm voice. Brother Richard apparently gave her the lyrics on a napkin for a run through and he liked the vocal so much they kept it for the final record.

Coming from an entirely different angle is “Plaster Caster” from Kiss.

I can assure you that this is NSFW!!!! Or for guys in a relationship…

There was a group of young ladies who made their mark on the world of rock n’ roll by making plaster castes of rock stars… well… I’ll leave it there, you can head off to your favorite search engine for more information.

One band that would never come to mind for groupie songs is ABBA. They however recorded the funniest and most polite groupie song ever. Think about it? ABBA and groupies?

I have always wondered if Bjorn and Benny wrote this from experience or frustration, they were in a band with their wives at the time. The girls vocals with the sarcastic “does your mother know” are really funny. Not your usual groupie song, but one a mother would be pleased with.